Alright, I know you probably didn't even realize there was a gag order. "Kaitlin," you say to me exasperatedly, "When in your life have you ever been silent? We can't get you to shut-up!" But my parents' comments aside, you may have noticed that this blog has been unusually quiet. I mean, for someone who was regularly posting every three and a half months, things have really seemed to slack off. I've practically been beating away all the emails begging for my return to the blog-o-sphere. (Let's just say that you don't want to make Tom Hanks angry.)
However, I am now contractually free. My three month internment at a certain bookstore is finally finished, and as I look forward to the prospects this new year will bring (a different post, entirely), I am feeling somewhat nostalgic. Or, as nostalgic as one can be for a part-time retail job that just finished two days, five hours, and seven minutes ago.
Since they made me sign a piece of paper saying I wouldn't blog about them while gainfully employed, I have, instead, been keeping a detailed log of my daily experiences there. But as I am trying for a show in discipline (my stomach is still hurting from one too many slices of pepperoni and pineapple pizza), I've decided to ration my stories. This will also help me find material to use on this site later, lest my dear friend, Katie Yinger, spontaneously combusts at the prospect of my posting YouTube videos of cute hamsters, rather than the usual rambling diatribes. (And, to answer that unspoken question, I don't know why she likes my rambling diatribes. I've considered she's a little addled in the head, if you know what I mean, but don't tell her I said that. I mean, who doesn't like cute hamsters?)
Anyway, to kick this party off on the right foot, I've decided to share with you one of my more memorable times at Borders.
In prose.
Yes, you can tell Frost to "back off" because K-Hard is in the hizzle! (But, seriously, if you see him, please let him know that the whole "less traveled by" thing was cute, but I think Usher said it a lot more eloquently in "Confessions Part II.")
Without further ado:
There once was a girl, named Kaitlin Ann Hardy,
who worked at a bookstore; her life was a party.
Her work was rewarding:
"Would you like a card, sir?"
And when people said "no,"
She'd only try harder.
She enjoyed all of the people,
every last one.
The big ones, the small ones,
the fathers and sons.
People with red hair, blue hair, and green.
People with children, elders, and teens.
She loved all of them much,
until one Fall day.
When she met a man,
her mind he did sway.
His six foot tall stature seemed quite overbearing,
he walked up to Kaitlin, and started a'swearing.
"Young Miss," he declared,
"I'm bothered and peeved,
I shopped here all day, now listen to me!
My car, it was parked, lovely and new.
So what did your crappy security do?
They threatened to tow, and not only that!
They slapped on a sticker, pressing it flat."
"I'm sorry, sir," said our fair young hero,
"You seem quite upset, your patience at zero."
His face got so red,
He seemed really put out.
But the next thing he said, left her with no doubt.
"I am a veteran, you don't want me pissed.
I'm armed and I'm angry, you get the gist.
And while I'm not planning anything now,
if you keep this up, this is my vow:
Someone will come, mark these my words,
and shoot out your windows, your books, and your herds.
A fire they'll set" he said, with a glare,
"And hopefully, friend, you won't find yourself there."
Kaitlin was stunned as the man walked away,
She hemmed and she hawed for something to say.
Unfortunately, the words did not come.
After 23 years, she was finally struck dumb.
So let this be a lesson to all of you readers,
tell you moms, tell your dads, tell your bipartisan leaders.
of all of the people you plan to piss off,
if it is a veteran, he'll do much more than scoff.
the. end.
See, it isn't great that I now have all this free-time? The literary world will be forever indebted.
1 comments:
Hahahahahahahahahaha
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